*Today’s Air Quality: Red. Stay indoors. Outdoor recreation not recommended for all groups.*
The National Parks are facing budget cuts…again. Seasonal rangers are anxious about future employment, permanent rangers are worried about extended furloughs, less training, less travel, and less toys. But what does it all really mean? I don’t know, but here are some random musings and interesting factoids from a former park ranger….
A thermal is not a hot tub.
0% of Yellowstone National Park is designated wilderness, the “Flagship” of the National Parks, while less than 1% of the visitors to Yellowstone ever meander into the backcountry. Yellowstone is a series of pullouts and parking lots for the convenience of the costumer, along with paved trails and boardwalks so patrons can walk a few hundred feet off the road, snap a picture, and experience the Yellowstone highlight reels without any real sense of adventure or risk.
In 20 years the Everglades will disappear into the ocean and it’s predicted that the glaciers in Glacier National Park will be completely gone by 2020. “Welcome to No Glacier National Park, as you can see, the glaciers are shy today.”
Sequoia National Park has the worst air quality of any National Park in the country. The largest Sequoia tree by volume is General Sherman. He has a fence around him in case he tries to escape.
The history of wildland firefighting: In the beginning there was a shovel, now there’s a Pulaski. The End.
The most dangerous thing you will encounter in a National Park is a human.
Overlooking the Grand Canyon you would never know there was a tiny city at the bottom of it or a large unsightly trailer park on the Rim just out of view of visitors. There is one campground on the South Rim and it rarely gets full.
What do you mean I can’t hang-glide off El Cap?!
Some employee housing is spectacular; meaning it has running water, a toilet, a roof, and a mattress. The majority of housing is a mouse infested, insect-ridden, mold infected death trap with hanta-virus and carbon monoxide poisoning lurking around every kitchen. Buyer beware! I’m sure if certain housing or concession structures burned down due to firefighting budget cuts, few tears would be shed.
There’s no law against stupidity. A ranger once said, “It’s everyone’s God given right to die in a National Park!” So you enjoy that swim in the spring runoff.
“No not you, I want to talk to a “real” ranger.”
At Big Bend National Park Mexican Nationals freely cross the Rio Grande on horseback to sell trinkets to visitors or to roundup their wild horses that have wandered into the Park. What was that nonsense America about a secure border?
False advertising: There are no actual retail stores at the National Mall. But you can take a Segway tour.
Stay on the trail. No dogs, cats, birds, lizards, or emus allowed. Llamas ok. “I don’t care if it’s a therapy dog. Oh you need him for your seizures? Then maybe you should rethink that 4 day excursion into the backcountry.”
No those aren’t illegal aliens, that’s just the trail crew.
There are Joshua Trees in Death Valley National Park and Saguaro cacti in Phoenix, Arizona.
You have to win a lottery to hike Half Dome and Mt. Whitney.
Ansel Adams? Nope. Instagram!
Yes the water is safe to drink. Except for that sewage leak from a broken pipe and that dead body found in the intake system.
Drop the pine cone, leave the rocks, and don’t pluck that flower. Don’t shortcut trails, don’t build a campfire, yes that grizzly bear will eat you, don’t pet the bison, yes the bison will gore you in the groin and you WILL lose a testicle. I know marijuana is legal in your state, but you still can’t smoke it here. Yes meth and heroin are illegal too. Guns? Yes you can have a gun, you just can’t shoot it. Secure your food. Do you have a permit? No permit? Then get the HELL OUT OF HERE!!
M.K. Leech 